Love/Loss of self

The realization that I was all alone was what put me in the state of paralyzing depression. There’s a belief behind it that I was unloved. For four years I haven’t been able to do the work of seriously finding my way Home. The feeling of love itself is what finally freed me enough from this paralysis. Ever since I felt love, I witnessed changes in me. I don’t recognize myself in these, and for the first time maybe, I can say that something else is working through me. Determination was set, and I did not create it.

Love towards whom? Maybe it doesn’t matter. My experience convinced me that people are disappointing. Anything conceivable is disappointing, if not soon then later. But it turned out, love feels the same regardless of whom or what it is directed. What do you do when love comes? “Follow him, yield to him,” Khalil Gibran says.

In my early teens I prayed hard so that God didn’t let me love him too much. Love was too overwhelming, and I felt I was on the verge of giving up everything, my self, for God (my notion at the time, based on my upbringing, was by becoming a nun). Now in my braver times, I long to love too much.

Advertisements