High Tension

I want to stab this week. My last meditation restored some hope but my tension over feeling I’m so in my head, I’m not seeking, never started, and am in a very uncomfortable rut, was getting huge and maybe it was just a temporary release valve. When it gets this confrontational (like most days) I want the fetal position, but that isn’t enough. Inspiration could be a way out — or more non-action, procrastination of getting serious.

This sense I haven’t moved is so horrible and usually I dissipate its tension by indulging in ego boosts and false inspirations (apparently false after the confrontation I’ve gotten). I am running, but I remember that too infrequently to act on that perspective.

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Egotism and progress

Meditation-wise I missed half. I’ve been splitting the two one-hour sessions commitment into one one-hour session with five minutes prior to choose a topic and one one-hour session where I work on insecurity. One day I noted “action is so nice”.

Went to TAT’s April meeting and was caught in my thoughts and spinning almost the whole time. Actually, this is probably not unusual – paying attention would be unusual. My two main battles were 1. between a part that wants to expand my ego and a part that is afraid of the inevitable feeling of new attachments being torn away and 2. between putting attention on that battle of egotism and defensiveness and a part that values truth. On the good side I did see some of my psychology, some new robotic viewable stuff, at least for now.

Bubbles Bursting

Listening to podcasts at work has been great. Whether or not the speaker is really enlightened doesn’t matter too much because I turn the volume down, so while working on the computer, I may hear “everything is perfect exactly as it is” or “sentient beings” or an Asian name like “Genzo” that stimulates thinking. Less logical lectures are better so I don’t have to follow them.

Highlight was meeting in Baltimore with three other friends on the path. We sat, talked and confronted each other for three hours. The restaurant kicked us out at closing time and we stood outside for a while, some of it in silence.

Had a celibacy accident. As the weather warms up the value of mental celibacy gets forgotten.

It keeps striking me looking at the mind is like looking at an eyeball in the mirror.

Glass Eyes

Glass Eyes

It’s not really what’s alive. This isn’t as disturbing as it would be if I hadn’t been looking for it… but should be. I saw a corner of truth that would have shaken up my beliefs in the past and made it’s truth value a must-know. But I think since I knew I was looking for this it has had some muted effect.