A strong enough emotion will overwhelm/destroy me.  The only reason I’ve survived past emotions is because they weren’t that strong, or I managed them well enough.

-What questions are you asking?

Is there any part of me not affected by my emotions?

What am I doing that effectively manages emotions, keeping me safe?

No experiments done as of yet.  I need to do a bit more observation relating to the second question above.  That’s the next step.

My everyday life often reminds me of this game.  Problems, puzzles in the game, are stacked. 

Game Problem: Your fiancee has turned into a gold statue because of a cursed ring you accidentally gave her.  You have to go to a different island to get a different ring to remove the curse.  But first you have to get a ship, a crew, and a map.  But first you have to convince possible crew members to come with you.  In order to do that, you first have to prove to one of them you can find gold.  So first you have to do that…..

Real Life Problem: Not dying.  So you need food, so you need money to buy food, so you need a job to get money, so you need a car to get to your job.  But your car’s been totaled.  So you need to get a new one, for which you need a photo ID and proof of insurance.  But you’ve lost your wallet.  So you need to get a replacement driver’s license, so you need to print out the form online to fill out and mail in with a check….

In the game, these sort of stacked problems are fun.  In real life, they feel closer to home and just make me stressed out.  I’ve also noticed that in the game, I’m more willing to try ridiculous stuff just for fun.  I’ll make Guybrush say the most ridiculous stuff I can to other characters, just to see what will happen and how they’ll react, because it’s funny.  In real life, I’ll play it as safe as I can out of fear of what will happen and how others will react to me.  It’s not nearly as funny to me in real life when people get upset as it is in the game.  So what’s the difference?  Why do I feel so hurt by others’ reactions in real life, but find it funny in the game?

Another question that comes to mind is that of control.  In the game, you choose who Guybrush talks to, and you can choose from a list of things to make him say.  In real life, where do the options of what to say come from?  How is it decided what I do and where I go?  Is it more like watching a game being played?….which you can do here…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IBUfXq0nbk

http://forum-network.org/lecture/neuroscience-human-will

http://www.no-self.com/

Now,
my joy is the sand
that is running through my fingers
unclenched

Now,
my wisdom is a ball of string
meaninglessness
being unraveled
into nothing

Now,
You have all
And all I feel is emptiness

My will is a collection of desires and fears leading to intentions.

God’s Will transcends and gives rise to all that is.

My will is experienced as a product of God’s Will.

God’s Will makes no mistakes and meets no opposition.

My will often run contrary to what is, but even this is God’s Will.

There is existence and awareness of existence.  This is what is, God’s Will.

Within existence, of which there is awareness, arise many reactionary and associative thoughts and feelings, desires and fears, intentions and motivations.

Among the thoughts and feelings are desires related to nonexistent fantasies, and fears related to nonexistent worries.  The content of these fantasies and worries consist of what is not, but the existence of the fantasies and worries themselves is what is.

My will only is as a result of God’s Will.

Living outside of God’s Will is impossible.

Living in accordance with God’s Will is acceptance of what is.

Living in rebellion of God’s Will is denial of what is through the delusions of control and fantasy.

To live in rebellion of God’s Will is to assume a position of higher authority than that Power which created all that ever has been, is now, or ever could be; that Power which every moment gives rise to existence and all of its contents; that Power which burns the Sun and spins the Earth; that Power which beats my heart and fills my lungs.

Lord, guide me by Thy Will
May my life be lived in acceptance
May my mind be freed of delusion
Thy Will, not mine, be done.
Amen

A blackness, an emptiness I see
Something separate, there is something in between
Us, I see, not one

I long for finality
I am looking for it
There is no wall, no barriers
Just space

A space to be crossed
But nothing is a better guard, than something that is empty
For as long as I am,

I am gazing, gazing through a space

I noticed this voice for the first time while lifting weights with my apartment mates.  We were spotting for each other while taking turns doing sets of bench presses.  Toward the end of a set I was doing, I could feel my arms getting tired and said, “I’m going to try to do one more, but I probably can’t do it.”  It was sort of like a pessimistic Babe Ruth pointing to the bench to call that he was about to strike out.  If I couldn’t lift the weights, but had already said that I knew I couldn’t, then it would be less of a blow to my ego.

Of course, this wasn’t entirely conscious at the time.  I just blurted out the words based on the feeling of saving myself from an upcoming possible failure.  And sure enough, I wasn’t able to lift the weights again on that set.

My apartment mates and I got a kick out of what we started calling the “Whatisself motivation tapes”.  It was suggested that the military could send copies to Al-Qaeda as a new counterterrorism tactic.  New from the US Military: Terrorism motivational tapes.  Featuring such uplifting mantras as: “You can try to strap a bomb to yourself, but it probably won’t work,”  and “Best not attempt it, it’ll probably fail.”

So on the next set I tried an experiment.  I told myself that I’d make it to 8 reps, where on the previous set I had crapped out at 6.  And sure enough I made 8.

This voice has come up other places, most often noticed when I’m exercising.  While walking the stairs of the 36-floor Cathedral of Learning at the University of Pittsburgh: “Let’s just do four sets, or maybe three; we know we can do that.”  (I ended up doing five).  While running a two mile loop up to a nearby track and back: “Let’s just go up to the end up this street and back; we know we can do that.” (I ended up doing the whole 2-mile loop).  While doing a solo backpacking trip: “Let’s cut across the river early and make this a 10-mile day like we did last year.”  (I ended up doing the full trail loop plus adding an extra mile due to a wrong turn – a 15.5 mile day).

This voice means well.  It’s just not very accurate.  The motivation here is to save myself from failure by sticking to the known, the familiar, the already proven to be possible.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  But this sort of overly cautious approach can in many cases keep me from accomplishing what I’m capable of, as I’ve seen several times.  And it’s especially unhelpful when the only danger I’m trying to save myself from is a hit to my pride.

Still, while it speaks I typically take this voice to be me speaking (i.e. I believe it).  But since this voice has proven to be wrong several times, another inner voice has started to take notice.  Now there’s a hint of doubt when I have the feeling of “I probably can’t do X, so let’s play it safe.”  There’s a reaction saying, “Maybe I can’t, but probably I can.  Let’s see who’s right.”

That this is not my voice speaking
That these are not my thoughts I am bearing

It is a scary thought
to think,

That these are not my feet walking
Or not my voice talking
That I don´t do any thinking

It is just you
I know you there, I see you
But here, I don´t see
It is dark,

Who is here?